Sunday, April 26, 2009

Seeking Gods Will

I have been praying and praying about the adoption situation. I feel like God is truly putting this on my heart. The problem is that my husband who is not closed to the idea is on the fence and to be honest he is leaning more on the "I don't think so" side. This would not be a problem if I didn't feel the way I do. I have had so many little "God whispers" lately. I feel the tug is towards China and special needs. You know when we started the adoption process in 2006 I just knew we were suppose to adopt from China. But God had a different plan and we started the process for Vietnam to bring home our Kennedy. I often wonder if He changed the course then because He had a little one in China waiting for us now? A couple of weeks ago I was in a consignment shop looking for a pair of jeans for Kennedy, its to close to summer to buy new ones, anyway I am looking through the clothes and I can't believe what I came across. In the middle of all these jeans and shirts on little hangars,there in front of me was a beautiful brand new still had the tags on it size 3 little girls traditional "cheongsan" Chinese dress ! What in the world? Where did that come from? I couldn't believe it. A few days later I came across a little girl on a website that reminded me so much of our Cameron. She was in China. I went ahead and contacted the agency. The lady told me someone was already looking at the file and she would put me on the list. She did say she had just received the file of another little girl that a family was also looking at and would I like to be on the list. I said sure, never ever expecting to see either one.
The next day I am checking my email and there it is the file of the second little girl. I told Mike about her and asked if he would mind if I took her file and showed it to our pediatrician. He said it was ok, but not to get my hopes up. She had more special needs than we would be able to handle so I emailed the lady and told her. Two days later the file of the first little girl that reminded me of Cameron was waiting for me when I checked me email! I honestly didn't think we would ever see her file. Again she had significant special needs and we said no. About the special needs, it was not easy to say no but after much prayer that was the final answer.
So I just thought to myself "Elaine let it go." And I did. But a few days later that pull at my heart came back. Then I had a dream last night. At the end of the dream I handed someone something and I could not see her face but I could see a head of black hair as they handed me a "little one" and then I woke up. There have been several other "whispers" but one thing for sure this is not going away. I have come up with so many reasons to push it out of my heart. My age, absolutely no money to pay for another adoption, need a new auto. This is the short list. But then I remember I serve a mighty God and if He wants us to bring another baby Bayer home He and He alone will open the doors not only to my husbands heart, but to all we need to make this happen. And though "I" have my doubts deep down I would adopt again in a heart beat! But honestly if that wasn't the plan, I would do anything God asked me to do.
Life is short and not about us or what we need but what can we do to make a difference in someone elses life. Funny as I type that I think of people who have told me and my husband how blessed our daughters are because we adopted them and we will both look them in the eye and say "oh you don't understand, we are the blessed ones!" When we step out and serve God as He ask it brings joy, purpose, happiness, love and blessings into our lives. I think of Jesus as he walked as a man on earth. He was here to serve, not to see how much money He could make, or stuff He could buy, or how comfortable He could be. So if God the one I gave my heart too, the one who changed my life in ways I could have never dreamed of, the one who gave His Son to die on the cross for my sins so I could have eternal life ask me to do anything I would do it.
I believe God is getting ready to move in my life in a mighty way. I believe it is adoption but it may be something else, it may have something to do with Hug Away or going to Ethiopia all I know is I am ready.

Did I not tell you and promise you that if you would believe and rely one Me, you would see the Glory of God? John 11:40

1 comment:

One of Us said...

Will be praying for you and your family! I know that "adoption tug" all too well. :-)
BTW, did you know that Dillon just received some new SN files? (hint)
I asked if we could bring home another child when we adopt Max, but I don't think it's possible. We haven't even got him home, and I'm feeling a tug (I think I'm addicted!). :-)